(7/9/2020) The Worst Ten Cards in Keyforge (So Far)

I told you that creature status would not in itself assure any card a bye. Sure, Narp is big (but not that big), and it has one (puny) point of armor value. But beyond that, it’s all downhill. The prohibition on reaping by Narp’s neighbors is surprisingly troublesome, and it can become unexpectedly problematic when a battleline collapses or is manipulated. See, e.g., Quantum Fingertrap. (“Hey, there’s a Narp between my Wormhole Technician and my Babbling Bibliophile. Oh joy.”) And, if things weren’t already bad enough, it’s common. My own experience is that Narps seem often, and depressingly, to come in pairs. Æmber Forge reports that there are 56 registered decks featuring four copies of Narp. Imagine that.

(Dishonorable Mentions: Mega Narp, Gargantes Scrapper, The Flex)

Spoiler Alert: Dis ultimately goes on to win the Grand Prize (wait for it), so this selection was an exercise in choosing a runner-up. As such exercises go, it was a challenging one. There are many cards in Dis that I dislike and might qualify for Dishonorable Mention. Key Imps depend on timing and can backfire (but they are otherwise usable elusive creatures), I have an aversion to the Masters of 1/2/3 (particularly 1), but they are seldom seen, the Banes annoy me (but bear an Æmber pip), etc. In the end, the prize goes to an artifact, Wretched Doll, notable only for being a complicated, slow, and cumbersome means to destroy one creature.

(Dishonorable Mentions: Sacrificial Altar, Tolas)

I will confess that this selection surprised me somewhat, suggesting that House Logos has less than its fair share of disreputable cards. (And, indeed, many of my least favorite Logos cards bear Æmber pips.) Dr. Escotera was a close second, but in the end I had to give the nod to Chaos Portal. Yes, it’s another artifact, and, yes, it is random and unpredictable in a way that, as I see it, is conducive to fun and aligned with the spirit of Richard Garfield’s design. That being said, as compared to the slight, occasional likelihood of it doing something great or even moderately useful, its action has a good chance of doing essentially nothing and a non-zero chance of doing something undesirable. That, my friends, is the hallmark of a shabby KeyForge card.

(Dishonorable Mentions: Dimension Door, Dr. Escotera, Experimental Therapy)

Thank you, Mars, for producing such a splendid array of potential worst-card candidates. The only real challenge here was separating the supreme Mars crap from the run-of-the-mill Mars crap. The award goes to Martian Hounds. If you can play it for value (i.e., there are damaged creatures in play), the payoff is a few +1 counters on a creature (hopefully one’s own), coupled with the faint hope that the now somewhat beefier creature will survive to provide some other sort of value later. Huzzah. Its chief merit is its rare rarity.

(Dishonorable Mentions: Grommid, Martians Make Bad Allies, Sniffer, Swap Widget)

Sanctum was easy. In fairness, I considered the Horsemen (particularly the Horseman of War) on grounds of their being formerly overrated. And, with apologies to one of my Moor Wolf Pack teammates, I am not a fan of Epic Quest (even as I acknowledge having been ingloriously defeated by it on more than one occasion). But take a good look at Hallowed Blaster: a pipless non-omni artifact that heals three damage from only one creature and grants no other benefit. Æmber Forge reports that there are 5 registered decks featuring five copies of Hallowed Blaster. Is there an Oath of Poverty in the house? (Did you see what I did there?)

(Dishonorable Mentions: Begone!, Mother Northelle)

There are so many great cards in the Saurian house, and it would be fun to analyze and debate which of them is the best. That’s not my job. Look, I understand the theoretical value of Crassosaurus. It clearly has the potential to be a tide-turning or coffin-nailing card, it’s a creature, it’s elusive, and I have even been beaten by it at least once. With the right combination of cards in one’s deck and cards in one’s hand, you can use it to deal a devastating blow to an opponent. But in my experience, I never, never have those combinations, and I end up discarding the damned thing, sometimes more than once in a game. In a worst-case scenario, a new or inattentive player might play it and learn they just gave all their Æmber to their opponent. Begone, Crassosaurus! (Did you see . . . ?)

(Dishonorable Mentions: Good of the Many, Imperial Road)

Oh! How my heart sinks when I see a Key of Darkness. If only all the houses included such a no-brainer “worst.” Notable annoyances include its lack of an Æmber pip, the near-impossibility of it ever being both playable and worth playing, and its appearance in all three KeyForge sets to date.

(Dishonorable Mention: Gambling Den, Smiling Ruth)

Without a doubt, Star Alliance presented the most difficulty for me and my analytic objective. Sure, there are a number of very mediocre cards in the house, and artifacts like General Order 24 and Peace Accord can be challenging to play effectively and may very well backfire. At the end of the day, however, I realized that I don’t hate any Star Alliance cards. Not one of them makes my heart sink. So Star Alliance gets a pass. Remember, it is still a young house in KeyForge years, having made its first appearance in Worlds Collide, so its ignominious day may yet come. But not today. Please mentally adjust the title of this article to “THE WORST NINE CARDS IN KEYFORGE (SO FAR).”

We have yet to talk about the Alpha/Omega problem in the evaluation of the quality of KeyForge cards, and it really should be a factor in determining card badness. Bumblebird is the poster child. Think about it. Bumblebird’s principal effect is to boost other friendly Untamed creatures with +1 counters. (Not an amazing effect, although from time to time a useful one.) But because Bumblebird has the Alpha keyword, those Untamed creatures must already be in play in order for the effect to be of value. How many times have I had a hand full of Untamed creatures, and maybe even a Full Moon, and cursed Bumblebird for being so useless? (How many times have I embarrassed myself by forgetting Bumblebird’s Alpha restriction?) Bumblebird is uncommon, and I haven’t even mentioned the vexing double-Alpha problem. Have you ever had two Alphas of the same house in your hand? Not good. Æmber Forge reports that there are 2,710 registered decks featuring two or more copies of Bumblebird. I own one, and take it from me, you don’t want one.

(Dishonorable Mentions: Creed of Nurture, Song of Spring, World Tree, Nepeta Gigantica)

And now, I present the Worst-Card-in-KeyForge Award to . . . Key Hammer! As always, I recognize that it has its uses. Key Hammer’s unforge effect accompanied by Charettes, Drumbles, and the like can, in the right circumstances, serve a purpose. Even a Lash of Broken Dreams can do the trick sometimes! But those right circumstances arise sporadically at best, and, therefore, its situational nature is its downfall. But that’s not all. Yes, it has an Æmber pip, but there’s a catch, and it’s a big one. Key Hammer’s other effect—your opponent gains 6 Æmber—is stated in a separate sentence, and is therefore not conditional. If you play Key Hammer but your opponent has not forged a key the previous turn, sure, you get one Æmber, but your opponent gets six. This is a trap for unwary new players, and a frustration for experienced Archons. Yes, it’s probably a design error, but one that was never fixed with errata. And knowing that it’s a design error does not make the card any better. This is the worst.